All.The.Feels. (Coming home, leaving the US, finding a new passion, etc.)
"How do you feel?"- I used to get this question a LOT as I was getting ready to leave the US for an undetermined amount of time and come back home. In response, I used to say it then and I still say it now, having been in Russia for more than a week- it's all the feels. And I am going to try and explain those to you and may be help myself sort everything out in my mind and heart. FYI: this blog is going to be pretty raw and honest mainly because the Russian in me pretty much never sugarcoats things, as you know. So let's go.
Imagine being 18 years old, leaving everything and everyone you knew and loved, and moving to a new country. Not only that, but doing this school thing while also fully emerging yourself to a totally new language, learning and teaching environment, culture, and so on. A lot? Yeah, I'd say it was. But years went on, things got easier, foreign language got progressively more internalized and my own, new people became more and more like second family, and a new place became home. Or at least homy. Very, very homy and near and dear to my heart. Along with all that, I was also changing as a person BIG time. I started to appreciate my homeland, my family, my language, and my culture more than ever because I was able to enjoy it only twice a year, if that, and in small increments. I realized that by nature many of us, humans, only come to fully cherish things when they are taken away from us. Doesn't matter for what reason, good or bad, and for how long. As new people and new ideas were being introduced to me in a new country, I became much more open minded and accepting, or so I hope at least. Not to sound egoistic, but when it comes to certain things, I am very non-typical Russian. And I love it. Take, for example, same-sex marriage and the overall attitude towards the gay community. For years ago I wouldn't even be able to tell you what exactly LGBT was, that's how taboo the topic was at home. Now, I am a HELLA proud ally and I know that all my beautiful, amazingly courageous gay friends are safe to just freakin be who they are and live their truth around me. Again, that's not to say I am this perfect, all-loving and all-welcoming person. But I sure as hell think I am way more patient, willing to at least learn about new trends of the world, and less judgmental. And I think that's pretty cool. For that and many other things, I want to thank America and all the wonderful souls I met there. And I am not being sarcastic.
Now, living in the US was great and all, but far from easy, as I already mentioned. Especially the first couple of years. There was not a day when I did not miss home, my family, my friends, speaking my language, eating my food, watching our movies, being around my culture, and I can list about twenty more things. Let me not get into detail, but it was BAD. On some days, pretty debilitating when it came to socializing and just doing normal things. But like I said, it got better. Either that or I just got used to living with it every second and somehow taught myself to still be happy. And I really was happy, even with a touch of bittersweetness.
The latter, by the way, is pretty much the mothereffin bottom line of my life. Now that I am home, it is still there every.single.second. I cannot put it in words how happy it makes me to be home, with loved ones who I haven't been able to see and stay for long with for four years. Just walking down the streets of my beautiful city makes me experience a whole plethora of emotions. It warms my heart so much to be able to come back to places like my school and my music school and still get the same welcome with hugs, love, and such deep care. At the same time, though, I cannot help but miss my beautiful Naperville, Chicago, my college, my TEFL class (this one is especially hard and I will talk about it a bit more later), and all the absolutely incomparable mentors and friends that the US gave me. My heart is constantly torn between my forever home and the country where I made it home and met people who welcomed me like I was always their own. Living like this ain't easy, but so so SOO worth it. I've said this about a million times: my heart and mind are very much still processing all the emotions and all the events that took place in my life, but for now, this blog is about the best I can put it.
Now. A really quick blurb about TEFL. (Stands for Teaching English As A Foreign Language) For those of you who might not know, I am now a certified TEFL instructor! (Which still sounds INSANE to me, even in writing) What it took was a certification course that I completed while still in Chicago. It was four weeks long and my, what intense, rewarding four weeks they were! What I am about to say is cheesy and obnoxious as ever, but, after my TEFL course, I truly believe I found my "thing", or at least I found that something that makes all the hard work, all-nighters, and any other struggles completely and totally worth it for me. Am I now a perfect teacher all of a sudden? No, that doesn't quite happen in just four weeks AND for someone who has never even SEEN a lesson plan before, let alone written one. But has the course sparked a new passion in me and brought friends and professors in my life who I will NEVER.EVER. forget? Abso-fucking-lutely. So all I am trying to say is that I definitely encourage anyone who is still reading this super long blog to do it do it do it.
Alright, I think I said enough. Basically I am super happy to live the life that I do despite all the bittersweetness that it brings daily. To all my dears in the US- I love you and miss you more than I will ever be able to explain. To all my dears from home who are reading this- I am so so happy to be with you all and know that I will not leave you and have my heart ripped out of my chest all over again.
That's all I got. Thank you thank you thank you, as always, for reading this till the end and being a total champ.
Much love and till next time,
E.
:)
Imagine being 18 years old, leaving everything and everyone you knew and loved, and moving to a new country. Not only that, but doing this school thing while also fully emerging yourself to a totally new language, learning and teaching environment, culture, and so on. A lot? Yeah, I'd say it was. But years went on, things got easier, foreign language got progressively more internalized and my own, new people became more and more like second family, and a new place became home. Or at least homy. Very, very homy and near and dear to my heart. Along with all that, I was also changing as a person BIG time. I started to appreciate my homeland, my family, my language, and my culture more than ever because I was able to enjoy it only twice a year, if that, and in small increments. I realized that by nature many of us, humans, only come to fully cherish things when they are taken away from us. Doesn't matter for what reason, good or bad, and for how long. As new people and new ideas were being introduced to me in a new country, I became much more open minded and accepting, or so I hope at least. Not to sound egoistic, but when it comes to certain things, I am very non-typical Russian. And I love it. Take, for example, same-sex marriage and the overall attitude towards the gay community. For years ago I wouldn't even be able to tell you what exactly LGBT was, that's how taboo the topic was at home. Now, I am a HELLA proud ally and I know that all my beautiful, amazingly courageous gay friends are safe to just freakin be who they are and live their truth around me. Again, that's not to say I am this perfect, all-loving and all-welcoming person. But I sure as hell think I am way more patient, willing to at least learn about new trends of the world, and less judgmental. And I think that's pretty cool. For that and many other things, I want to thank America and all the wonderful souls I met there. And I am not being sarcastic.
Now, living in the US was great and all, but far from easy, as I already mentioned. Especially the first couple of years. There was not a day when I did not miss home, my family, my friends, speaking my language, eating my food, watching our movies, being around my culture, and I can list about twenty more things. Let me not get into detail, but it was BAD. On some days, pretty debilitating when it came to socializing and just doing normal things. But like I said, it got better. Either that or I just got used to living with it every second and somehow taught myself to still be happy. And I really was happy, even with a touch of bittersweetness.
The latter, by the way, is pretty much the mothereffin bottom line of my life. Now that I am home, it is still there every.single.second. I cannot put it in words how happy it makes me to be home, with loved ones who I haven't been able to see and stay for long with for four years. Just walking down the streets of my beautiful city makes me experience a whole plethora of emotions. It warms my heart so much to be able to come back to places like my school and my music school and still get the same welcome with hugs, love, and such deep care. At the same time, though, I cannot help but miss my beautiful Naperville, Chicago, my college, my TEFL class (this one is especially hard and I will talk about it a bit more later), and all the absolutely incomparable mentors and friends that the US gave me. My heart is constantly torn between my forever home and the country where I made it home and met people who welcomed me like I was always their own. Living like this ain't easy, but so so SOO worth it. I've said this about a million times: my heart and mind are very much still processing all the emotions and all the events that took place in my life, but for now, this blog is about the best I can put it.
Now. A really quick blurb about TEFL. (Stands for Teaching English As A Foreign Language) For those of you who might not know, I am now a certified TEFL instructor! (Which still sounds INSANE to me, even in writing) What it took was a certification course that I completed while still in Chicago. It was four weeks long and my, what intense, rewarding four weeks they were! What I am about to say is cheesy and obnoxious as ever, but, after my TEFL course, I truly believe I found my "thing", or at least I found that something that makes all the hard work, all-nighters, and any other struggles completely and totally worth it for me. Am I now a perfect teacher all of a sudden? No, that doesn't quite happen in just four weeks AND for someone who has never even SEEN a lesson plan before, let alone written one. But has the course sparked a new passion in me and brought friends and professors in my life who I will NEVER.EVER. forget? Abso-fucking-lutely. So all I am trying to say is that I definitely encourage anyone who is still reading this super long blog to do it do it do it.
Alright, I think I said enough. Basically I am super happy to live the life that I do despite all the bittersweetness that it brings daily. To all my dears in the US- I love you and miss you more than I will ever be able to explain. To all my dears from home who are reading this- I am so so happy to be with you all and know that I will not leave you and have my heart ripped out of my chest all over again.
That's all I got. Thank you thank you thank you, as always, for reading this till the end and being a total champ.
Much love and till next time,
E.
:)
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